


This is Garreg Mach

by SaraJaye



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Arguing, Band Fic, Bisexual Edelgard von Hresvelg, Constance being melodramatic, Crack Treated Seriously, Dirty band names, Felix being a tsundere, Gen, Hubert being creepy, Squabbling, because it's goddamn Hubert, random assortment of characters, talk of violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:41:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24635485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaraJaye/pseuds/SaraJaye
Summary: Five friends start a band. Well, five students. Only two of whom actually know each other. And they can't pick a name. This is sure to end well!
Relationships: Implied Dimitri/Felix
Kudos: 18
Collections: FE3H Kink Meme





	This is Garreg Mach

**Author's Note:**

> **Prompt** : So The Sex Bandits totally sounds like the name of a band. I want a fic where a group of characters of your choice forms a punk band called The Sex Bandits. The more improbable the combination, the better.
> 
> Bonus points if it’s not an AU of any kind. We have dubstep, we can have a few Garreg Mach alumni develop punk with medieval instruments.

_Once upon a time, seven friends started a band. Their lead singer was a humble young woman with a golden voice that made many hearts melt, but alas, tragedy one day struck! She collapsed during a rehearsal, blood spattered across a handkerchief as she coughed, and the tragic diagnosis was-_

"Oh, Constance, you read too many novellas! That's not gonna happen," Hilda said, gently taking the paper from Constance's hand. "Also, there's only five of us, remember?"

"Well...Mercedes said she might want to join in! And Dorothea is still-"

"Nope." Dorothea sighed as she entered the classroom. "Yurikins put his foot down. And Mercedes isn't into the whole punk scene."

"Oh." Constance pouted. Behind them, Felix huffed as he gave the glockenspiel a testing hit.

"I still don't see why _I_ need to be in this ridiculous project. I can't even sing," he groaned.

"It's the same for me," Hubert said. "I despise singing and merriment. I'm only here because Lady Edelgard thought it would be good for me."

"And Felix is here because he's popular and good-looking," Constance said. "It's too bad we couldn't get Dimitri to join." Felix glared at her.

"You suggest that again even in jest, and I'm outta here," he grumbled. Dorothea shrugged.

"At least five is more than enough for a good band. Now, we need a name before we go on live tomorrow evening!" Constance paled.

"T-tomorrow evening?! But-"

"I'm _kidding,_ " Dorothea giggled. "Our first performance won't be for at least a few weeks! Hmm, maybe we should ask for name suggestions, since I doubt any of us will agree on one."

But it was a week before even one suggestion came in, and it was obviously from Sylvain.

"Really?" Felix crumpled the paper and kicked it across the room. "I'm going to strangle him."

"Oh, come now, it's not as if _you_ could do any better," Hubert chuckled. "My suggestion of _Her Majesty's Greatness_ still stands, though." Felix rolled his eyes.

"For the last time, we're _not_ naming our band after Lady Edelgard!"

"We could go with Poison Arrows," Hilda said. "Not sure what that says about me if I'm willing to name the band after Claude."

"Neither of those give off the kind of _image_ we're going for, though," Dorothea sighed.

"We could still trade in this punk ridiculousness for something more melodramatic," Constance said. "We have time. All we need is two more members! And don't worry, the sick one won't really die, we can combine our sound with an opera! Just like Dorothea used to be in!" Dorothea smiled a little.

"I'm flattered, but I've been wanting to try something new for a long time."

"And the only melodrama I have _any_ interest in is one where the victim dies by _my hand,_ " Hubert added. "None of this silly pale collapsing! If they're going to cough up blood, it will be from my razor at their-"

"STOP!" Hilda whimpered, hiding behind Felix. "Ugh, can't we just replace this creeper with someone else? Ferdinand has a beautiful voice! Or Dim-"

"NOT THE BOAR," Felix yelled.

"We're getting nowhere by arguing!" Constance scolded. "Let's just _try_ the name Sylvain suggested, okay?"

Not wanting to waste any further time, the others agreed. Within a week, they had found their sound, and the name had stuck even though Felix and Hilda kept trying to come up with alternate names.

A month later, Manuela walked onto the stage, microphone in hand.

"Everyone, may I have your attention please! It is with great honor that Garreg Mach welcomes the inaugural performance of the Sex Bandits!"

The curtain rose. Dorothea at the microphone in the center with a timbrel, Felix on the glockenspiel, Hubert on portative organ, Hilda on a recorder, and Constance on a lyre. They wore shiny black leather costumes, and each had a brightly colored streak in their hair.

"Edelgard?" Dimitri nudged his stepsister. "Which one are you staring at? Hubert, or Dorothea?"

"Neither! Both! None of your business! Go back to ogling Felix," she muttered. Dimitri turned red, coughed, and looked at the floor.

Despite the silliness of it all, the Sex Bandits' first show went surprisingly well.


End file.
